So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
