I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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