I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
