oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
