i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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