fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Man, jail baloney is awful.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So apparently I’m into choking now
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