you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
