I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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