If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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