Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
