Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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