you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Semen is not good for contacts.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize