how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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