apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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