If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
