I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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