now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
