We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize