It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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