i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
