He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
