I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
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