Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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