I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
