she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
