Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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