no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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