I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
