Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
