I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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