i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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