Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Randomize
