Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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