You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
