Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
