I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
