I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
