Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
