i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
