eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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