a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
