I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
