he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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