I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
