I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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