Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
