made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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