i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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