turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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