I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
