Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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