my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
