carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
