I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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