I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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