I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
