I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
