also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize